My Ideal Hero Likes Cucumbers

I debated long and hard what to write about today. And by that I mean I ate a lot of marzipan, got a headache in one side of my head, hung around in my dressing gown and watched thirteen episodes of Roseanne. Which is basically my equivalent of thinking.

And then once I was done with not being dressed and crying over the fact that Dan Connor is not a dick like every other sitcom Dad since the dawn of time, I decided I would do some talking about my favourite wonky hero.

Only then I realised: I’m supposed to talk about that somewhere else and even if I wasn’t…well…the thing is…

I don’t think there’s ever been a hero wonky enough for me. I mean sure sure, some have gotten close. I’ve got one all lined up for the little thing I’m writing on my fave wonky hero, and believe you me he’s a doozy. But as orsum as he is, he’s still missing certain things.

For example, in order to be the perfect wonky hero (to me), he has to be a submissive. Which on its own narrows the field down to about five characters – in MF fiction, at least. There’s one in a book by Joey Hill, and one in a book by Jennifer Leeland, and the start of an Emma Holly book has a totally orsum one who should definitely have had his own novel.

And that’s about it.

No really.

That’s it.

This is what I’m dealing with, here, in my search for the Perfect Wonky Hero. I’ve got less than five people to choose from. I’ve got, like, three people. And none of them are quite as wonky as I’d like them to be. I want them to be so wonky they can’t see straight. I want them to beg for things most people haven’t even heard of!

You know that sex thing, right, that no one wants to talk about? That weird, scary thing…with the implements…and the…the stuff…that’s what I want. And even worse than all of that, I want him to want all of these insane things while looking like this:

Yeah, that’s right. I’m not satisfied with a submissive hero who looks like Gollum just gave birth to him. I don’t want some pale, sickly looking thing who recently crawled out of a cave that may or may not have featured in the movie The Descent.

I want hairy. I want big. I want a big, hairy guy to feature in a story entitled “I’m So Horny I’ll Do Anything You Say”, even if the things the heroine says often include cucumbers, Marks and Spencers, crotchless panties and some guy she met online. Hell, if it’s good for the goose, it’s good for the gander, right? I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve read that feature those very things, only with the roles reversed.

And now I’m just gagging for a guy to be the one who wears the crotchless panties, while stood in Marks and Spencers with a cucumber up his bum. Even if that exact scenario hasn’t actually occurred to any woman in any book ever, and I’m just making it up for my own perverse pleasure.

Oh, there’s no end to all the things I long for, from an erotic romance hero. Let him be daring. Let him be braver than any firefighter or Navy Seal or three hundred year old vampire.

Let him get fooked in the ass by the heroine, while begging her for more.


P.S. My latest novella, Raw Heat, comes out tomorrow! It’s got a massive, hunky werewolf who may or may not look a really lot like Armie Hammer, it’s got apocalyptic goodness, it’s got forbidden lust and love…check it out here:

And if you’ve got time, the new and v. mysterious line I’m writing for, Mischief, released a few anthologies, today. They’re packed with hot, erotic goodness, featuring (amongst others) me, Justine Elyot, Elizabeth Coldwell, Rachel Kramer Bussel…and they’re only £1.99 each. Check them out here:


About Charlotte Stein

Charlotte is a writer of erotica and erotic romance, with a book currently out from Black Lace, and an almost-novella in the works with Total-E-Bound! Read more >
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12 Responses to My Ideal Hero Likes Cucumbers

  1. Amber says:

    There is not nearly enough femdom erotica in the world. That is pretty much all I have to say about that.

    By the way, didja read Anne Calhoun male sub story in Agony/Ecstacy? Yummy.

    • Charlotte Stein says:

      There’s sooooooo not. And one of the reasons I really enjoyed A/E was the femdom representation!

  2. Serena Bell says:

    I have a new life’s mission, to someday write a hero so wonky that Charlotte says, ENOUGH! :-)

    It’s too bad Ruthie made me un-beta my hero … I could see him walking out of that book and into a cucumber scenario. Not any more, though. I alpha’d him up.

  3. Ruthie Knox says:

    “You know that sex thing, right, that no one wants to talk about? That weird, scary thing…with the implements…and the…the stuff…that’s what I want.” — Nobody is writing this? Seriously? Not even you, Charlotte?

    *taps fingernails impatiently*

    Get to it!

    • Okay, Power Play gets kind of close. But mostly I just write the balls to the wall stuff for myself. Secretly. While under the duvet with a torch.

      And when I say torch I actually mean no really it’s just a torch I’m not trying to be pervy.

  4. I have never had the urge to write (or indeed even read) femdom before reading this post. Now I’ve gone from vague aversion, to grudging tolerance, to willingness to explore, to fending off plot bunnies, all within the space of a few paragraphs. So, you know…thank you for that.

    Have you read Christine d’Abo’s story Bruised Ego, in the Agony/Ecstasy antho? Heavy emotional wonk of this general sort in that one, though no veggie-pegging.

    • YEESSSSSSS! Another convert to the church of femdom. Welcome, my sister!

      And it’s why I gave the book five stars. Anything that’s willing to explore femdom in a really sexy way gets five, in my book.

  5. willaful says:

    Pleasure and Purpose by Megan Hart?

    • Yeah, that’s not strong enough, femdom wise, for me (if I’m remembering correctly). Though it’s still an excellent book! But Megan Hart’s half of Taking Care of Business…yeah. That’s more my sort of thing.